July 24, 2017

Memo to self.

Date: summer 2017

Bargaining.

Use a different word.
Try another expression.
Adopt various vocabulary. 

I do not think it means  
what you think it means. 

Anger

1.         Emphatically say

            things 

            I do not 

            mean.

2.        Emphatically say things 

           I

           do not mean. 

3.       Emphatically 

          say things

          I do not mean.    

            

Denial

Nope.                                     Not real. 

Relief?                                   But I'm 

                                              spinning in grief. 

Why? There is                       nothing left. 

If I admit                                I am sad 

                                              I am pathetic.

For love of                                            .

                                              him

                                              for losing

a dream        

I never had and didn't want 

                                            and being broken. 

It happened

In a poem,
not about you

though titled with your words,
a few
that have stuck in my head
like a tick
or a collection

of phrases that
remind me of your voice,

(the worst
the best
the end)

I spoke of a loss
and no
pictures

A common thread
in my loss
has been no pictures

so pictures have been important
in my attempts to save people

the way a conversation
can be saved
for years

while memories falter

Did I not watch this movie with you?
Did I not sit next to you and tell you I had never seen it?
Do I remember any of it?

I guess now, I will.

Now that I have a few pictures.

Or it didn't happen

No pictures

I was always looking at you

We lived every moment 

I was alive with you 

Only faltering when I felt our moments wasting 

Away with us. Away with time 

We didn't capture smiles 

We smiled. We rolled. We wrestled. 

Our hands were full of each other

Too full to click a button and stop the forward motion 

Of us. 

I remember you so clearly. 

The pictures she has of you are wrong.

What she wants but not who she'd see

 I have no pictures. 

We didn't share much 

Too selfish to give the world a taste 

What we found was too sensational 

You had to be there. 

You had to be there.