:P :S :D hahaha

I just feel like seeing all these people and laughing about stuff that isn't the end of the world anymore. Feels good.

"Your loss, not mine." That's what I was telling you the whole time.

12.13.12

It's hard not to be sad for selfish reasons when tragedy happens. I cried because of the what if this had happened to my baby brother? Or how can I live in such a horrible place? It's hard to remember that it's someone else's worst day,  someone else's nightmare, it's someone else's unimaginable pain. It's good to mourn with them, to be saddened for them, and all of humanity, and the world. It's okay to wonder why it happened, or if it could be stopped. Working together to try to make sure it never happens again is healthy. There has to be a reaction. Blame and hate spread too quickly. It's easy to blame God, or sin, or evil.  To hate guns, the shooter, the system. How will that help? I hope I can hold onto that. The peace I feel knowing that there must be a solution that doesn't harbor hate, fear, and blame. I felt plenty of anger, and plenty of fear for this tragedy and others like it but I hope to hold onto the hope that we can change, that we can learn, that we can heal and even grow.

holidays.

I've been having a hard time for a long time now. With clusters of fucks here and there. It's so easy to get lost in it, and to forget the order of it, and to coast through it. I've a friend who won't even let me pretend to be optimistic. He calls me out when I say things are okay, or that life is not that bad, or that I'm going to accomplish something productive and good. He doesn't buy it because that hasn't been true for so long.

"You're not okay. You're still in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. You're holding on to everything you already burned. You're lazy and you're not doing shit with your life. And you pretending isn't helping anyone."

O. Okay. So that's true. I'm still doing it all wrong. What do I do to stop wishing that things will change, and that I'll be mature enough to handle change and change. How? When? For what? For who? Is it even possible? I'm always going to have the same fundamental flaws. I believe that. I have been shaped. My psychology has been shaped. Understanding why I've done things doesn't mean I won't do it the same way next time. If I get a next time. Live a life, any life, just fucking live it. Please? Please get up, and stop staring  and filling in space, stop feeling nothing. Stop it. It's all repetitive bullshit. All the same. It's me that I want to stop being. Or.. It's. whatever. I don't even want to type to myself about it anymore. It's boring. I want to be involved in something that I stress out so much over that it gives me ulcers. That people who care have to tell me to give it a break. I want that. I don't want any person. I don't need any person, but me. I need myself to get involved with my life. I can't deal with the relationship dynamic. Of friends, or more, family even. I can't deal. The people who are still here in my life, that have made it through all of my unbelievable bullshit I feel I can pretty much count on to stay. I can't think of anything I could do that would top what's already happened. Thank god there are those people. but everyone else. People I have to pretend for. People who can't handle me being selfish today. I can't help them. I can't be there for anyone. I miss being stretched thin for people I care about but I have to find myself to get that ability back. I'm patchy.

 Just keep writing until it reaches that point of scroll and move on. Don't go back and read it and get frustrated with myself for being pathetic. I am. I am self conscious  Conceited. Lack the self esteem to be so full of myself. Selfish, "blessed" asshole. I've got minimal worries. Today. I've got people to forgive. I don't even know what we're talking about right now. or to who.

I hope that school will force me to figure out how to write again. I've don't like this voice I've developed.

Mmmm everything happened so long ago. Life is going to take such a long time.

why feel?!

Why do emotions make me so. fucking. angry.

not under the influence, okay?

hey, tonight I found that place in my head that is okay with how much I fucked everything up. and okay with how much everyone else fucked everything up. I'm just okay with all of it. I'm pretty sure we can all be this okay. It's so calm. Okay. It's okay! You're okay! I'm okay! He's okay! Totally okay. How is that not so reassuring? We can all at least agree that we can get to 'okay' with out too much effort. Darlings, it's okay!!

In due time

Today I woke up and looked up into the skylight of my studio apartment in Glassy, Alabama and I realized something.Nothing has changed.  The night before I watched Gene Simmons cry about the holocaust and I was moved and told myself I had gained perspective and that I was going to attack life with a purpose. Then I proceeded to continue watching The Family Jewels and more MTV and stayed up all night on facebook.

Obviously this state of perspective was short lived.

However, there has been a gradual increase in life changing moments and realizations this month. I find myself watching people and thinking about humanity in a positive light. Which is generally out of character for me.
So while I might not have a studio apartment, and there may be no city in Alabama called Glassy I believe that a gradiual change of perspective and positivity  is approaching me and will arive permanently in due time.

Assumptions

This isn't fair of me at all. Ralph was quite an excellent caller. He went through all the proper steps in courting me. Asking permission of my chaperone to see me, getting me to allow him to put his name on my dance card, etc. So to attack him in such a manner is highly inappropriate and mean spirited. Yet I keep having this conversation in my head, one that will never be allowed to happen between two such prominent proper individuals. I feel that if I put pen to paper and record it it will exit my mind and I'll be allowed to carry on with normal present problems and ideas.

The scenario:   After Laura quickly breaks up with Ralph claiming they simply didn't have time to progress a relationship thus it was a fallacy to continue seeing each other, contact between the two cease. Weeks go by with out a real word from either party. Laura and Ralph's group of friends were the same but because of the awkwardness Laura was slowly weeded out. She was hurt and when Ralph finally asked why she had really broke up with him all of her bottled rage exploded. The power of it was so overwhelming the people around her realized she was speaking in Spanish, Ralph's native tongue. Ralph was sure to understand now. 

The rageful speech:

¡Mira! Aquí está mi debilidad! Me duele el corazón cuando te veo, y todos los que veo que podía de un ser querido, he tratado de amor. Yo quería que el amor, cariño, yo lo hice. Usted fue el que tuvo que asumir que yo era tan fuerte. Eso significa que no necesita ser amado, o que tenía un amante. ¿Cómo te atreves a decirme que le gusta mi fuerza! Usted robó mi capacidad de tener una relación con usted! ¿Cómo podría ser débil a tu alrededor, cuando amaba a mi fuerza.Pasamos tiempo juntos, y que mantuvo dándome las gracias por no ser todos los que habéis estado. ¿Cómo crees que me hizo sentir. Y como un hipócrita que habla no besar, a menos que significaba algo y todavía esperar hasta el matrimonio. Con el lado de la cara que usted dijo esto y el otro me dio un beso. Yo estaba allí, me has hecho que te bese, y la forma en que usted me dio un beso ..que estaban tratando de hacer que te ame. ¡Necio! Podría de! Entonces decidióque eran culpables de esto y la razón era su pasado. Una vez más, el pasado.Dulce corazón que no podía vivir así. Por lo que rompió con usted porque estoydemasiado fuerte para estar con alguien que no me deja ser débiles. Y yo estoymuy consciente de que iba a ser perseguido por el pasado. Eres un idiota. Me duele demasiado. Perdóname, pero no puedo hablar con usted como un amigo.Perdóname.

and translated.

Look! Here is my weakness! My heart aches when I see you, and everyone I could of loved, that I tried to love. I wanted to love you, darling, I did. You were the one who had to assume I was so strong. You assumed I do not need to be loved, or with a lover. How dare you tell me you love that about me! You stole from me my ability to have a relationship with you! How could I ever be weak around you when what you loved was my strength. You spent the time we had together thanking me for not being everyone else you have been with. How do you think that made me feel? And as a hypocrite you talked of not being intimate unless it meant something and even then waiting until marriage. With one side of your face you said this and with the other you kissed me. I was there, you did kiss me, and the way you kissed me.. you were trying to make me love you. You fool! I could of! I would of! Then you decided you were guilty about it and your reason was your past. Again, your past. Sweet heart I couldn't live like that. So I broke up with you because I am too strong to be with someone who will not let me be weak. And I am too present to be haunted by the past. You idiot. I hurt too. Forgive me, but I can not talk to you as a friend. Forgive me.


Once Laura finished this speak she collapsed. The effort of sobbing and crying in a foreign tongue had overwhelmed her. People around her were astonished. They begin to leave slowly. Ralph stays standing over Laura. and the curtain closes. 

I am so angry. I used to have other thoughts, I used to have escapes from being frustrated, but I just sit in constant anger. Everything I do is suppressing so much hate, so much inability to forgive, so much rage. I feel confused, and sad, and broken, but all my thoughts are of anger. I'm angry at myself most of all but that's not an easy place to focus on. Instead I focus on my parents, and their ignorance, and their abuse, and their controlling idiocy. I focus on my father and his mean words, and his power hungry personality. I focus on the religion of my youth. The corruption, the hypocrisy. I focus on Christian values that mean nothing. Values that allow an old dying woman to be treated cruelly and that shun good people that need help and support. I hate everything. I have faith in nothing. I doubt things I've always been sure of. I hate the sound of my voice when I talk. I feel stupid, insignificant, even vile. I can't throw myself into support of anything. All ideas are a waste. All my thoughts are ugly and unsharable. When I try to focus on it like this, writing it out, pin pointing it it diffuses some. Partially because I refuse to accept that this is all I am. Because I have a good life, I have reasons to be happy, I am even happy at moments. It just always shocks me when I'm not brooding in despair about how everything good is dead. I hate this cynical bullshit rhetoric. Whenever I try to write, or think, or create that's all that come out. It's disgusting to me. I'm disgusting.

I'm a tool.

you're so dramatic, kid. JESUS.

hahah I don't know, you know? Everything doesn't always suck.

serious.

They would've killed us. It would of been alright and good for a good while but they kill that every time. I let them. I let them. It's hard enough to do it with out someone else trying to end it. Trust me. I'd be trying to kill it and save it every day, and sometimes you would too. That's normal. But when someone else is poisoning everything your'e trying to make grow and breaking everything that you spend all your time fixing it.. For a long time the battle would make it strong. The attacks would make it easier. It would draw a lot of focus, a lot of time, a lot effort. It makes it more special, more exciting, more important. But it's not real. It takes away all the real parts. It would of killed us and I just let them.

I've no tolerance for people like me.

I"m just going to sit here and think and write and react. because I don't react. I act. I stop. I hold my breath and I pretend. I pretend it's okay that I feel emotionally abused. I pretend it's okay that I was    . I pretend this summer didn't happen. I pretend I am not afraid of: being loved, of being emotional, of being happy, of being crazy. I pretend I am not thinking about death, and the worst possible things that could rationally happen at all times. I pretend. I smile. I talk. I say nothing.  And I think everything is so stupid. I think having feelings is stupid. It's irrational. It's a weakness. It's hormones that need to be "bridled." If you can't control it you're a teenager. You're immature and you're stupid. Consequently I act based solely on my emotions. I'm so afraid of them that they control everything. I don't stop and think I just act. I do it as fast as possible. I put as much distance between me and the emotions as possible. It's so volatile. It's so the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm trying to hide my emotions so everyone can see them clearly on my face. I'm in love, you can see it. I'm upset, you can see it. So I hide a lot to compensate for that. I just do it all wrong. I do everything wrong and I feel stupid for thinking that, and saying that, and typing this. I need a better outlet than the internet. I need an outlet. I'm jealous of the girls that call me and cry, and complain, in such a direct way. They know what the fuck is wrong. It's that he doesn't love me, it's that she never texts first. It's stupid, and it's exactly what is wrong. And to them it's totally acceptable and expected and normal that this is what they are upset about. I am upset that I'm upset about things I don't want to be upset about. They're things I've control of, or that I had control of, or that I have no control of so what difference does it make? It just needs to stop. It's over so it shouldn't matter, it doesn't matter so why should I feel like it matters? Just stop. I'm so immature. I'm so stunted. I'm so awkward. I'm so wrong. I think I know who I am. I think I don't have a clue. I think everyone feels this way. and I think it's so stupid. Why can't I just do life? Cope, and be fine. It's okay to be sad. I tell other people that all the time. But I don't want to be sad. I'm supposed to be super woman. I'm supposed to be able to do what I want, and be unaffected by the stupid shit. I'm supposed to have a good attitude. I'm supposed to not be a victim. I'm supposed to not say supposed to. I think this is the angstiest I've ever been in my life. I have no tolerance for people like me.

so close.

Please don't make it easy to contact you. I"m feeling selfish and depressed and I"m burning for you to forgive me. I just want to reach out and smooth it over. I hope the turmoil I feel and imagine is all just me projecting and internalizing. I feel that that's wishful thinking.

1:1

i want to get in a fight with myself today.

I keep doing it.

I guess it's more weird that I expect people to accept disappearing acts then it is that they don't. I wonder why anyone bothers to contact me when I'm hiding as far away as possible. My far away isn't very far anymore. I am the worst at disappearing. I know.

Can't write.

I can't take myself very seriously.

Tomorrow is going to come.
Even if the night is spent holding onto the days problems,
clinging to the day's heartbreak,
sopping up the day's spillt tears,
tomorrow is coming.

Tomorrow will come
Even if the nights hours drag
with music,
and staring,
and sighing,
and wringing hands
tomorrow is coming.

Tomorrow will happen
with or with out a good nights sleep,
with or with out energy,
with or with out health.
Tomorrow will happen
Not too soon or too late
It will just be.
Tomorrow will come.
Tomorrow will happen.

Just a reminder.

Love is not a promise.
you can't look at it like it will be forever.
tomorrow won't be the same
you'll wake up everyday and he'll be there
until he's not
You have to believe that every second might be your last
cherish him like he'll disappear if you look away too long.

Don't let logic be an obstacles
you may never have this moment again
he's not permanent
Don't let him appear to be an obstacle to your future
Don't plan on him being in your future
Plan like he'll vanish if you let go
Wake up and find him before he's gone.

speak in the past

I envy your ability to speak. I broke your heart and you can say that. You can tell me I'm a horrible person, you can call me immature, stunted, a tumor. It's amazing. I have thoughts on the subject but you'll not hear a word from me. I begged you to leave, and you wouldn't stop talking. Until you had said everything. That's how you move on. You told me everything you were thinking. You told me how you felt, when you were angry, why you were hurt. I listened and I broke, and I cried but I was silent. Now you are too. You're silent and gone, and I'm finally starting to want to speak. I should have done it when your ear was mine, with my silence I have solidified my thoughts. I will constantly think, and go over every detail, and every word I should have said. I don't know what it will take to move on, as I have buried myself in it rather than risen above.

There are reasons.

1. Why would you be happy right now?

2. You have reasons to be sad.

Sometimes it's just a mind game. I have to actually think:

I feel like this because of this. There are reasons, and it's not weird that I am depressed. Why would I be happy? Do I have many reasons to be happy today? No. So I am not crazy for being sad. This all makes sense.

A List of "Romances"

1. He hates me for exactly who I am.  I love that about him.

2. He adores me for who he thinks I am. So I will change when he gets to know the real me.

3. He thinks he loves me. I know he cannot.

4. He thinks I'm a little bit creepy.  I don't mind.

We'll get up and fight, eventually.

No matter where she goes she's still stuck with me. The me that doesn't want to get out of bed.

She likes the title.

She isn't here today. Today she woke up without being sad. Today she got dressed without sad memories. Today she did her make up without getting distracted by that something dead behind her eyes. Today she wrote a story with out feeling nostalgic about blank paper. Today she left a note and actually said goodbye. Today she left for real places instead of living in her head. Today she isn't here.

The Avett Brother's are life.

I'm living between caring about everything and not caring about anything. It's tiring and I think the people around me are sick of me and my problems. Nothing significant is going on except that I"m pretty sure something is killing me.. I feel like I'm fighting whatever it is all the time. I feel like when I put effort into something 'good' in my life there are forces that rip it up and take away the control. Nothing stops me from destroying myself though. So that's what's easier.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying to be whomever it is that people expect me to be. Which is dishonest. I get pissed off at the people who I can almost be myself with because I don't even know how to behave. And a major part of me is just anger, and fight against everyone and everything around me.

Am I the only one who sees final destination style deaths for themselves everywhere they look. Honestly lately I look at something and immediately I can see how I would die if I was hit by that bus, pushed off this cliff, slipped on the train tracks, etc. That's probably not normal. I can see it for people I care about too. That's the most depressing. Hits me hard. Everybody better just be alright until I die. Or it'll kill me.

yeah so.

I'm worried that I'll get addicted because it's easier to do than to be "addicted" to people. 

Don't loose yourself.

Hahaha

Always in love

I am choosing not to fall in love with you. I've seen this scenario before. I can't live in Romeo and Juliet moments anymore. I've that kind of love. I'm sorry that I've already learned this lesson.

Mormon Guilt

 

yeah. I like this. I need Jesus is my life. ahahaha

Good Song.

I don't feel like I feel like I should feel. 

The real high

Being high feels exactly like this: Paranoid, heart racing in such a way that you are super aware of it, a weird constant ringing presence near your ears, shaky hands, nervous energy, and shock at everything that's going on all around you. I discovered this while not high at all by the way.

Musiac

I dunno. I"m growing up. I'm also the most immature person I know.  I don't even know how I make decisions anymore. Things sometimes just happen. But I'm kinda of sick of the scared girl that I am. Though I'm still her. Scared shitless, and stuck with myself every time I wake up. Which is why, I realized that I could shut my eyes really tight tonight, and not think about what's going on in my life, but it'll catch up. It might take five years but then I'll still be scared of life and also bitter, filled with regret and really angry with myself.  It's better to be mad at myself today just for not knowing what I'm doing. Seriously even if I'm making the most horrible wretched wrong decisions I'm decisioning and that already feels like less of a free fall. I think I'll always wake up scared about what's goning to happen so I'll have to spite it otherwise shit is never going to happen. And that'll be my fucking fault.

It's on the internet so I don't have to think about it

This is the sound of silence. HA Like I could do that. Ever. Seriously, "I"m never gonna talk to you again." Haha God. Probably never gonna shut the fuck up. The internet man, it's a weird place. 


I love "The Graduate." What a weird movie. Simon & Garfunkel make it art. It captures basically how I've felt all during college. There are all these made up rules and I accidentally end up following because everyone just does.. Maybe when I graduate some gorgeous 40 + year old lady will throw herself at me. I would not complain.  Also I hate the movie my "Best Friends Wedding." That crazy bitch. I"m gonna end up just like her. Repressed feelings, staying away from  "icky love", til it's too late. Then I'll go about it all wrong as per usual. 


Whatever, I'm just writing to keep track of what's going on. And movies are great. 

Now it is Thursday, motherfuckers!!

haha... I have anger.

I recognize

I believe that if I've decided that I'm going to not care, and I have said I will not miss you that I get to not miss you. And I'll keep on believing that. Even when I'm miserable, and crazy, and clearly missing you I will simply be confused and wonder what is wrong with me. Because I decided that this wasn't going to hurt. so what's all this random not related to anything pain from?

No, you fucking don't know.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

That's the exact extent of my ability to tell you how I feel. Can't do it. matter of fact it is more likely that the next time I see you that instead of telling you how I feel, which is what I'll be basically trying to do, my brain will mistake the anxiety and frustration for an attack and I'll beat the crap out of you. Because.. that is easier. And I can picture that in my head. Yep. And I fucking hate you today. So that's something.


It is still Wednesday for anyone who is trying to keep track of such things.

The first day of the rest of them

I keep pushing "the first day" back one. It should have been yesterday. Today still made sense too. But now it'll have to be tomorrow. Which still works too. What am I even talking about? I dunno man. Does it matter? 

Pffffff. 

This is for me, bitch

I dunno why I'm sad. And I keep acting like I'm so angry. Life is good you know. I've got a great job. I might have college paid for. I've got plans I'm mostly following though on. Ya know?!

I just realized today that I do something that's weird and it bugs me. Like lots of things.. But I casually talk to people I don't really know about things I would never talk to people I really do know about. Could you psychoanalyze that for me real quick? I don't want to. and I don't like it.

God even my shrink doesn't talk to me anymore.

haha I've got things figured out.

right.

O and congrats on not having a melt down on your birthday and not spending too much money when you went shopping on impulse. Congratulations, you're an adult.

Update

Not only, Lindsay, did you not do any of your fake plans to change this week you didn't do your real plan either. You made the file clerk cry again!While it's not your fault that he is a repressed gay Mormon, you didn't have to ditch him just because he was talking too much about his opinion on Government involvement in Corporations. Stop ditching people, it's rude. You don't get to walk around like it's your story and no one else matters. Act like you care at least. Stop being such a bitch. Call your friends back, write your missionary friends, and stop drinking coffee or your teeth will turn brown. Also you're not fooling anyone with your "no more dairy" shit. I saw you put that cheese on your salad tonight. Wake up and run on the treadmill tomorrow. Stop acting fat.

enough

Honestly. Things don't NEED to change. I mean I say they do all the time but things have been the same long enough to prove that it's all survival-able. I can proabably exist like this for a very long time. I can even say I don't want to but if I never actually change it after saying that how true can that be? Life just isn't awful.

Reinvent

It's Sunday so I should probably make up a plan to reinvent myself this week. Just to make sure nothing ever changes. I think this week I'll pretend I"m going to go on a diet and take up Salsa lessons. O and do Rosetta Stone everyday. In real life the only change I'll actually make is to try not to make the file clerk at work cry. Again.

Party Chatter

I've a scheduled break down on May 21, when I turn a filler age. I will be both old and young and feel like going crazy but not be able to go be crazy with anyone I know so I'll do crazy by myself. and that will be interesting.

I"m a confident liar

I had a dream that I took you to a place and acted really calm but as soon as we got there I came at you with a baseball bat. Then I was at your house breaking all the windows, yelling at you to sue me because I was trying to get you to hate me. Pretty typical really. Sounds like something I'd consider actually doing. To a few people actually. I have lots of dreams though all my pills guarantee specific types of dreams. Read that sentence and try  not to think I'm crazy.
Has any one every called you a psychopath? Cause if they have you probably are. Isn't that great.

Cause I am Evil.

I almost looked for a book at Walmart today entitled "How to Be a Bad-Ass." Just because I've decided that I'm probably a super hero that happens to be surrounded by all of my greatest weaknesses. Well not really that. I just am bored with being insecure, and bored with my problems, and bored with myself. and Mad at basically everyone I know. I literally just want to beat the shit out of some of these kids just because of pure frustration. I really don't think I'm better/smarter or have more things figured out then anyone else, I'd fight Club Style beat myself up too. I just want them to get it.
 After I get my first pay check I'm going to the dollar store to buy as many pretty breakable things as I can and then I'm going to go somewhere where I can break them all in as many ways as I can think.
I sit in my car in random parking lots in between things I'm supposed to be participating in at night and just blast music into my brain. I'm stuck, again. What am I supposed to do with other people? You all either have your lives figured out so much that I can't relate to you, or you're just as fucked up that I see myself in you and want to shake sense into you so that I can be fixed too. Or something. I don't know.
 I'm pissed. And I'm tired. And I can't just restart like I always try to do. I've put too much time into this level, and I'm going to have to go back and try to see what I've missed but I can't start over.
I don't know why this makes me so mad. I've got to get interesting. I need to believe in other people too. Until I don't think I'm full of shit, I'll never believe everyone else isn't.
I'm not following my thoughts very well.

"I was afraid I'd eat your brains."
I will be continuing to play this on repeat for at least a few more nights.

Mother Fucker.

Repeat.

Light

I'd like to be grateful for everyone who has been in my life. I think that it's hardest to do this with people that I have had romantic interest in; mainly those I have had romantic and failed situations. Yet if I can send them all some light and move on I'll have progressed. So let's give it a try.

First there is Canada, my first love. I am grateful to him for being an excellent tragedy. He gave me my Romeo and Juliet romance. He gave me my first crying to the Gods in the hot sun break up, and he was really just a great gentleman. I admired him and he treated me well. I am grateful for him.

Next we have a big hole in my heart. Let's call him bestfriend simply because that's why he's perfect. We'll never date but I think I will always love him. I am grateful for him for showing me what I want in the person I want to be in love with. He's an amazing man, and I thank him for being such a good friend. I am grateful for him.

Next we have The Rebel. He gave me so much. He gave me insight into myself. He gave me a desire to question what I've blindly accepted. And mostly he gave me the standing in the rain crying "I want to help you, I want to be the one that's there for you, I want to help you figure it out" moment. That's something that every girl needs. Honestly I can never regret a single thing about that entire relationship because of that memory. I am grateful for him.

Then the Mexican, not racist because he is. I am grateful for him because he reminded me that there are guys that don't cheat. That honestly think they mean they only want you when they kiss you. And I am grateful for him reminding me that honesty in a relationship is really the easiest and only option. I am thankful for him.

Last, last is last. And he is the only one, I think, that has loved me unconditionally. And I haven't deserved it. So I am grateful for him.

This has made me feel absolutely buoyant

Obrigado amantes.

Probably got burnt on purpose

I can tell that a lot of really stupid stuff is about to happen. I can't even explain this stage other than I feel so bored. I'm not even going to have an explanation. Prepare to be fucking amazed. Being sad is so much better than being nothing. Maybe a sad commercial will trigger me back to normal. Probably too late. Get some popcorn.

My mom will never stop saying "freaky deaky" and it's scaring.

I aspire to be busy. My goal is to be so busy that I can never say I'm bored. I will have so many non stop things to do that when it's time to sleep I'll collapse. It can't be that 'busy because I put everything off' busy. It has to be 'I planned this to the last second' busy.  This will be my summer.

My dad is obsessed with power

I saw this sunset. The kind that reflects red lights on the mountains. You keep looking even though you're driving and you might run off the road because it's not in your line of sight. You don't stop because then it's not a moment and it won't last anyways. I was definitely going to tell someone about it. But I forgot. I don't actually tell anyone anything.

She sat at the table feeling despondent, and sadly ate a handful of blackberries.

Try to eat blackberries "sadly." It's basically impossible. You have to try. I doubt you could eat a handful of anything that sweet and be sad about it. Blackberries just are not sad people food.  Some songs have choruses that just sound fun. 'White Sky' by Vampire Weekend. Yes, they're weird but listen to the chorus. Can you even make that sound? I swear it's impossible to do that with out smiling. Try belting that out in your car, you can't be depressed about it. Also swimming. How can you swim and be sad? You have to concentrate on strokes, and you have to plan when you're going to breathe. You don't have time to be sad.

I think it it takes a lot of effort to be depressed. Just one hour of feeling sad and dark and you can feel like sleeping for eternity. Once you're stuck in it though, you have to use just as much effort to be happy. So I'm trying to find easy stuff like blackberries, laughing at myself, or swimming to make being happy a habit. It's supposed to be easy.