not under the influence, okay?

hey, tonight I found that place in my head that is okay with how much I fucked everything up. and okay with how much everyone else fucked everything up. I'm just okay with all of it. I'm pretty sure we can all be this okay. It's so calm. Okay. It's okay! You're okay! I'm okay! He's okay! Totally okay. How is that not so reassuring? We can all at least agree that we can get to 'okay' with out too much effort. Darlings, it's okay!!

In due time

Today I woke up and looked up into the skylight of my studio apartment in Glassy, Alabama and I realized something.Nothing has changed.  The night before I watched Gene Simmons cry about the holocaust and I was moved and told myself I had gained perspective and that I was going to attack life with a purpose. Then I proceeded to continue watching The Family Jewels and more MTV and stayed up all night on facebook.

Obviously this state of perspective was short lived.

However, there has been a gradual increase in life changing moments and realizations this month. I find myself watching people and thinking about humanity in a positive light. Which is generally out of character for me.
So while I might not have a studio apartment, and there may be no city in Alabama called Glassy I believe that a gradiual change of perspective and positivity  is approaching me and will arive permanently in due time.

Assumptions

This isn't fair of me at all. Ralph was quite an excellent caller. He went through all the proper steps in courting me. Asking permission of my chaperone to see me, getting me to allow him to put his name on my dance card, etc. So to attack him in such a manner is highly inappropriate and mean spirited. Yet I keep having this conversation in my head, one that will never be allowed to happen between two such prominent proper individuals. I feel that if I put pen to paper and record it it will exit my mind and I'll be allowed to carry on with normal present problems and ideas.

The scenario:   After Laura quickly breaks up with Ralph claiming they simply didn't have time to progress a relationship thus it was a fallacy to continue seeing each other, contact between the two cease. Weeks go by with out a real word from either party. Laura and Ralph's group of friends were the same but because of the awkwardness Laura was slowly weeded out. She was hurt and when Ralph finally asked why she had really broke up with him all of her bottled rage exploded. The power of it was so overwhelming the people around her realized she was speaking in Spanish, Ralph's native tongue. Ralph was sure to understand now. 

The rageful speech:

¡Mira! Aquí está mi debilidad! Me duele el corazón cuando te veo, y todos los que veo que podía de un ser querido, he tratado de amor. Yo quería que el amor, cariño, yo lo hice. Usted fue el que tuvo que asumir que yo era tan fuerte. Eso significa que no necesita ser amado, o que tenía un amante. ¿Cómo te atreves a decirme que le gusta mi fuerza! Usted robó mi capacidad de tener una relación con usted! ¿Cómo podría ser débil a tu alrededor, cuando amaba a mi fuerza.Pasamos tiempo juntos, y que mantuvo dándome las gracias por no ser todos los que habéis estado. ¿Cómo crees que me hizo sentir. Y como un hipócrita que habla no besar, a menos que significaba algo y todavía esperar hasta el matrimonio. Con el lado de la cara que usted dijo esto y el otro me dio un beso. Yo estaba allí, me has hecho que te bese, y la forma en que usted me dio un beso ..que estaban tratando de hacer que te ame. ¡Necio! Podría de! Entonces decidióque eran culpables de esto y la razón era su pasado. Una vez más, el pasado.Dulce corazón que no podía vivir así. Por lo que rompió con usted porque estoydemasiado fuerte para estar con alguien que no me deja ser débiles. Y yo estoymuy consciente de que iba a ser perseguido por el pasado. Eres un idiota. Me duele demasiado. Perdóname, pero no puedo hablar con usted como un amigo.Perdóname.

and translated.

Look! Here is my weakness! My heart aches when I see you, and everyone I could of loved, that I tried to love. I wanted to love you, darling, I did. You were the one who had to assume I was so strong. You assumed I do not need to be loved, or with a lover. How dare you tell me you love that about me! You stole from me my ability to have a relationship with you! How could I ever be weak around you when what you loved was my strength. You spent the time we had together thanking me for not being everyone else you have been with. How do you think that made me feel? And as a hypocrite you talked of not being intimate unless it meant something and even then waiting until marriage. With one side of your face you said this and with the other you kissed me. I was there, you did kiss me, and the way you kissed me.. you were trying to make me love you. You fool! I could of! I would of! Then you decided you were guilty about it and your reason was your past. Again, your past. Sweet heart I couldn't live like that. So I broke up with you because I am too strong to be with someone who will not let me be weak. And I am too present to be haunted by the past. You idiot. I hurt too. Forgive me, but I can not talk to you as a friend. Forgive me.


Once Laura finished this speak she collapsed. The effort of sobbing and crying in a foreign tongue had overwhelmed her. People around her were astonished. They begin to leave slowly. Ralph stays standing over Laura. and the curtain closes. 

I am so angry. I used to have other thoughts, I used to have escapes from being frustrated, but I just sit in constant anger. Everything I do is suppressing so much hate, so much inability to forgive, so much rage. I feel confused, and sad, and broken, but all my thoughts are of anger. I'm angry at myself most of all but that's not an easy place to focus on. Instead I focus on my parents, and their ignorance, and their abuse, and their controlling idiocy. I focus on my father and his mean words, and his power hungry personality. I focus on the religion of my youth. The corruption, the hypocrisy. I focus on Christian values that mean nothing. Values that allow an old dying woman to be treated cruelly and that shun good people that need help and support. I hate everything. I have faith in nothing. I doubt things I've always been sure of. I hate the sound of my voice when I talk. I feel stupid, insignificant, even vile. I can't throw myself into support of anything. All ideas are a waste. All my thoughts are ugly and unsharable. When I try to focus on it like this, writing it out, pin pointing it it diffuses some. Partially because I refuse to accept that this is all I am. Because I have a good life, I have reasons to be happy, I am even happy at moments. It just always shocks me when I'm not brooding in despair about how everything good is dead. I hate this cynical bullshit rhetoric. Whenever I try to write, or think, or create that's all that come out. It's disgusting to me. I'm disgusting.