Now it is Thursday, motherfuckers!!

haha... I have anger.

I recognize

I believe that if I've decided that I'm going to not care, and I have said I will not miss you that I get to not miss you. And I'll keep on believing that. Even when I'm miserable, and crazy, and clearly missing you I will simply be confused and wonder what is wrong with me. Because I decided that this wasn't going to hurt. so what's all this random not related to anything pain from?

No, you fucking don't know.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

That's the exact extent of my ability to tell you how I feel. Can't do it. matter of fact it is more likely that the next time I see you that instead of telling you how I feel, which is what I'll be basically trying to do, my brain will mistake the anxiety and frustration for an attack and I'll beat the crap out of you. Because.. that is easier. And I can picture that in my head. Yep. And I fucking hate you today. So that's something.


It is still Wednesday for anyone who is trying to keep track of such things.

The first day of the rest of them

I keep pushing "the first day" back one. It should have been yesterday. Today still made sense too. But now it'll have to be tomorrow. Which still works too. What am I even talking about? I dunno man. Does it matter? 

Pffffff. 

This is for me, bitch

I dunno why I'm sad. And I keep acting like I'm so angry. Life is good you know. I've got a great job. I might have college paid for. I've got plans I'm mostly following though on. Ya know?!

I just realized today that I do something that's weird and it bugs me. Like lots of things.. But I casually talk to people I don't really know about things I would never talk to people I really do know about. Could you psychoanalyze that for me real quick? I don't want to. and I don't like it.

God even my shrink doesn't talk to me anymore.

haha I've got things figured out.

right.

O and congrats on not having a melt down on your birthday and not spending too much money when you went shopping on impulse. Congratulations, you're an adult.

Update

Not only, Lindsay, did you not do any of your fake plans to change this week you didn't do your real plan either. You made the file clerk cry again!While it's not your fault that he is a repressed gay Mormon, you didn't have to ditch him just because he was talking too much about his opinion on Government involvement in Corporations. Stop ditching people, it's rude. You don't get to walk around like it's your story and no one else matters. Act like you care at least. Stop being such a bitch. Call your friends back, write your missionary friends, and stop drinking coffee or your teeth will turn brown. Also you're not fooling anyone with your "no more dairy" shit. I saw you put that cheese on your salad tonight. Wake up and run on the treadmill tomorrow. Stop acting fat.

enough

Honestly. Things don't NEED to change. I mean I say they do all the time but things have been the same long enough to prove that it's all survival-able. I can proabably exist like this for a very long time. I can even say I don't want to but if I never actually change it after saying that how true can that be? Life just isn't awful.

Reinvent

It's Sunday so I should probably make up a plan to reinvent myself this week. Just to make sure nothing ever changes. I think this week I'll pretend I"m going to go on a diet and take up Salsa lessons. O and do Rosetta Stone everyday. In real life the only change I'll actually make is to try not to make the file clerk at work cry. Again.

Party Chatter

I've a scheduled break down on May 21, when I turn a filler age. I will be both old and young and feel like going crazy but not be able to go be crazy with anyone I know so I'll do crazy by myself. and that will be interesting.

I"m a confident liar

I had a dream that I took you to a place and acted really calm but as soon as we got there I came at you with a baseball bat. Then I was at your house breaking all the windows, yelling at you to sue me because I was trying to get you to hate me. Pretty typical really. Sounds like something I'd consider actually doing. To a few people actually. I have lots of dreams though all my pills guarantee specific types of dreams. Read that sentence and try  not to think I'm crazy.
Has any one every called you a psychopath? Cause if they have you probably are. Isn't that great.

Cause I am Evil.

I almost looked for a book at Walmart today entitled "How to Be a Bad-Ass." Just because I've decided that I'm probably a super hero that happens to be surrounded by all of my greatest weaknesses. Well not really that. I just am bored with being insecure, and bored with my problems, and bored with myself. and Mad at basically everyone I know. I literally just want to beat the shit out of some of these kids just because of pure frustration. I really don't think I'm better/smarter or have more things figured out then anyone else, I'd fight Club Style beat myself up too. I just want them to get it.
 After I get my first pay check I'm going to the dollar store to buy as many pretty breakable things as I can and then I'm going to go somewhere where I can break them all in as many ways as I can think.
I sit in my car in random parking lots in between things I'm supposed to be participating in at night and just blast music into my brain. I'm stuck, again. What am I supposed to do with other people? You all either have your lives figured out so much that I can't relate to you, or you're just as fucked up that I see myself in you and want to shake sense into you so that I can be fixed too. Or something. I don't know.
 I'm pissed. And I'm tired. And I can't just restart like I always try to do. I've put too much time into this level, and I'm going to have to go back and try to see what I've missed but I can't start over.
I don't know why this makes me so mad. I've got to get interesting. I need to believe in other people too. Until I don't think I'm full of shit, I'll never believe everyone else isn't.
I'm not following my thoughts very well.

"I was afraid I'd eat your brains."
I will be continuing to play this on repeat for at least a few more nights.

Mother Fucker.

Repeat.

Light

I'd like to be grateful for everyone who has been in my life. I think that it's hardest to do this with people that I have had romantic interest in; mainly those I have had romantic and failed situations. Yet if I can send them all some light and move on I'll have progressed. So let's give it a try.

First there is Canada, my first love. I am grateful to him for being an excellent tragedy. He gave me my Romeo and Juliet romance. He gave me my first crying to the Gods in the hot sun break up, and he was really just a great gentleman. I admired him and he treated me well. I am grateful for him.

Next we have a big hole in my heart. Let's call him bestfriend simply because that's why he's perfect. We'll never date but I think I will always love him. I am grateful for him for showing me what I want in the person I want to be in love with. He's an amazing man, and I thank him for being such a good friend. I am grateful for him.

Next we have The Rebel. He gave me so much. He gave me insight into myself. He gave me a desire to question what I've blindly accepted. And mostly he gave me the standing in the rain crying "I want to help you, I want to be the one that's there for you, I want to help you figure it out" moment. That's something that every girl needs. Honestly I can never regret a single thing about that entire relationship because of that memory. I am grateful for him.

Then the Mexican, not racist because he is. I am grateful for him because he reminded me that there are guys that don't cheat. That honestly think they mean they only want you when they kiss you. And I am grateful for him reminding me that honesty in a relationship is really the easiest and only option. I am thankful for him.

Last, last is last. And he is the only one, I think, that has loved me unconditionally. And I haven't deserved it. So I am grateful for him.

This has made me feel absolutely buoyant

Obrigado amantes.