Just a reminder.

Love is not a promise.
you can't look at it like it will be forever.
tomorrow won't be the same
you'll wake up everyday and he'll be there
until he's not
You have to believe that every second might be your last
cherish him like he'll disappear if you look away too long.

Don't let logic be an obstacles
you may never have this moment again
he's not permanent
Don't let him appear to be an obstacle to your future
Don't plan on him being in your future
Plan like he'll vanish if you let go
Wake up and find him before he's gone.

speak in the past

I envy your ability to speak. I broke your heart and you can say that. You can tell me I'm a horrible person, you can call me immature, stunted, a tumor. It's amazing. I have thoughts on the subject but you'll not hear a word from me. I begged you to leave, and you wouldn't stop talking. Until you had said everything. That's how you move on. You told me everything you were thinking. You told me how you felt, when you were angry, why you were hurt. I listened and I broke, and I cried but I was silent. Now you are too. You're silent and gone, and I'm finally starting to want to speak. I should have done it when your ear was mine, with my silence I have solidified my thoughts. I will constantly think, and go over every detail, and every word I should have said. I don't know what it will take to move on, as I have buried myself in it rather than risen above.

There are reasons.

1. Why would you be happy right now?

2. You have reasons to be sad.

Sometimes it's just a mind game. I have to actually think:

I feel like this because of this. There are reasons, and it's not weird that I am depressed. Why would I be happy? Do I have many reasons to be happy today? No. So I am not crazy for being sad. This all makes sense.

A List of "Romances"

1. He hates me for exactly who I am.  I love that about him.

2. He adores me for who he thinks I am. So I will change when he gets to know the real me.

3. He thinks he loves me. I know he cannot.

4. He thinks I'm a little bit creepy.  I don't mind.

We'll get up and fight, eventually.

No matter where she goes she's still stuck with me. The me that doesn't want to get out of bed.

She likes the title.

She isn't here today. Today she woke up without being sad. Today she got dressed without sad memories. Today she did her make up without getting distracted by that something dead behind her eyes. Today she wrote a story with out feeling nostalgic about blank paper. Today she left a note and actually said goodbye. Today she left for real places instead of living in her head. Today she isn't here.

The Avett Brother's are life.

I'm living between caring about everything and not caring about anything. It's tiring and I think the people around me are sick of me and my problems. Nothing significant is going on except that I"m pretty sure something is killing me.. I feel like I'm fighting whatever it is all the time. I feel like when I put effort into something 'good' in my life there are forces that rip it up and take away the control. Nothing stops me from destroying myself though. So that's what's easier.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying to be whomever it is that people expect me to be. Which is dishonest. I get pissed off at the people who I can almost be myself with because I don't even know how to behave. And a major part of me is just anger, and fight against everyone and everything around me.

Am I the only one who sees final destination style deaths for themselves everywhere they look. Honestly lately I look at something and immediately I can see how I would die if I was hit by that bus, pushed off this cliff, slipped on the train tracks, etc. That's probably not normal. I can see it for people I care about too. That's the most depressing. Hits me hard. Everybody better just be alright until I die. Or it'll kill me.