I'm a tool.

you're so dramatic, kid. JESUS.

hahah I don't know, you know? Everything doesn't always suck.

serious.

They would've killed us. It would of been alright and good for a good while but they kill that every time. I let them. I let them. It's hard enough to do it with out someone else trying to end it. Trust me. I'd be trying to kill it and save it every day, and sometimes you would too. That's normal. But when someone else is poisoning everything your'e trying to make grow and breaking everything that you spend all your time fixing it.. For a long time the battle would make it strong. The attacks would make it easier. It would draw a lot of focus, a lot of time, a lot effort. It makes it more special, more exciting, more important. But it's not real. It takes away all the real parts. It would of killed us and I just let them.

I've no tolerance for people like me.

I"m just going to sit here and think and write and react. because I don't react. I act. I stop. I hold my breath and I pretend. I pretend it's okay that I feel emotionally abused. I pretend it's okay that I was    . I pretend this summer didn't happen. I pretend I am not afraid of: being loved, of being emotional, of being happy, of being crazy. I pretend I am not thinking about death, and the worst possible things that could rationally happen at all times. I pretend. I smile. I talk. I say nothing.  And I think everything is so stupid. I think having feelings is stupid. It's irrational. It's a weakness. It's hormones that need to be "bridled." If you can't control it you're a teenager. You're immature and you're stupid. Consequently I act based solely on my emotions. I'm so afraid of them that they control everything. I don't stop and think I just act. I do it as fast as possible. I put as much distance between me and the emotions as possible. It's so volatile. It's so the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm trying to hide my emotions so everyone can see them clearly on my face. I'm in love, you can see it. I'm upset, you can see it. So I hide a lot to compensate for that. I just do it all wrong. I do everything wrong and I feel stupid for thinking that, and saying that, and typing this. I need a better outlet than the internet. I need an outlet. I'm jealous of the girls that call me and cry, and complain, in such a direct way. They know what the fuck is wrong. It's that he doesn't love me, it's that she never texts first. It's stupid, and it's exactly what is wrong. And to them it's totally acceptable and expected and normal that this is what they are upset about. I am upset that I'm upset about things I don't want to be upset about. They're things I've control of, or that I had control of, or that I have no control of so what difference does it make? It just needs to stop. It's over so it shouldn't matter, it doesn't matter so why should I feel like it matters? Just stop. I'm so immature. I'm so stunted. I'm so awkward. I'm so wrong. I think I know who I am. I think I don't have a clue. I think everyone feels this way. and I think it's so stupid. Why can't I just do life? Cope, and be fine. It's okay to be sad. I tell other people that all the time. But I don't want to be sad. I'm supposed to be super woman. I'm supposed to be able to do what I want, and be unaffected by the stupid shit. I'm supposed to have a good attitude. I'm supposed to not be a victim. I'm supposed to not say supposed to. I think this is the angstiest I've ever been in my life. I have no tolerance for people like me.

so close.

Please don't make it easy to contact you. I"m feeling selfish and depressed and I"m burning for you to forgive me. I just want to reach out and smooth it over. I hope the turmoil I feel and imagine is all just me projecting and internalizing. I feel that that's wishful thinking.

1:1

i want to get in a fight with myself today.

I keep doing it.

I guess it's more weird that I expect people to accept disappearing acts then it is that they don't. I wonder why anyone bothers to contact me when I'm hiding as far away as possible. My far away isn't very far anymore. I am the worst at disappearing. I know.