holidays.

I've been having a hard time for a long time now. With clusters of fucks here and there. It's so easy to get lost in it, and to forget the order of it, and to coast through it. I've a friend who won't even let me pretend to be optimistic. He calls me out when I say things are okay, or that life is not that bad, or that I'm going to accomplish something productive and good. He doesn't buy it because that hasn't been true for so long.

"You're not okay. You're still in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. You're holding on to everything you already burned. You're lazy and you're not doing shit with your life. And you pretending isn't helping anyone."

O. Okay. So that's true. I'm still doing it all wrong. What do I do to stop wishing that things will change, and that I'll be mature enough to handle change and change. How? When? For what? For who? Is it even possible? I'm always going to have the same fundamental flaws. I believe that. I have been shaped. My psychology has been shaped. Understanding why I've done things doesn't mean I won't do it the same way next time. If I get a next time. Live a life, any life, just fucking live it. Please? Please get up, and stop staring  and filling in space, stop feeling nothing. Stop it. It's all repetitive bullshit. All the same. It's me that I want to stop being. Or.. It's. whatever. I don't even want to type to myself about it anymore. It's boring. I want to be involved in something that I stress out so much over that it gives me ulcers. That people who care have to tell me to give it a break. I want that. I don't want any person. I don't need any person, but me. I need myself to get involved with my life. I can't deal with the relationship dynamic. Of friends, or more, family even. I can't deal. The people who are still here in my life, that have made it through all of my unbelievable bullshit I feel I can pretty much count on to stay. I can't think of anything I could do that would top what's already happened. Thank god there are those people. but everyone else. People I have to pretend for. People who can't handle me being selfish today. I can't help them. I can't be there for anyone. I miss being stretched thin for people I care about but I have to find myself to get that ability back. I'm patchy.

 Just keep writing until it reaches that point of scroll and move on. Don't go back and read it and get frustrated with myself for being pathetic. I am. I am self conscious  Conceited. Lack the self esteem to be so full of myself. Selfish, "blessed" asshole. I've got minimal worries. Today. I've got people to forgive. I don't even know what we're talking about right now. or to who.