It's late and I am not trying to sleep yet so..
I was browsing the internet so aimlessly that I stumbled upon a website about how the internet is shit and even found myself spending some time in the personal ads of craigslist (a wonderful place to get some real insight, really.) and I remembered that the Mormons had a new website MormonsandGays.org. I've heard about this website, but I've been reluctant to look at it because I've been very worried that they, they = the Mormons, would put something just horribly wrong on there and that I would be forced to take yet another crippling blow to my already crumbly faith. Alas, this fear was not entirely unwarranted. I read the first few blurbs about how the attraction is not the sin, but the act is. This is a Church truth I've known and basically accepted, like it's okay to sex but it's not okay to premarital sex, okay whatever, the Church has old people rules. I skipped over all the clearly not gay videos of Church leaders, and people who clearly are working with PR to put a young liberal face on being Mormon. I clicked the first video that appeared to be a gay member of the church, as that is what I was most interested in. How is he dealing with it the LDS Gay duality? What I hear is Mr./Brother Kelly immediately start crying about his fear of losing his family.
"Family is very important to me. That was one of the things that helped get me to come back to the Church. You know, I couldn’t imagine living an eternity without my mom and dad. And so I knew I needed to change and do something different. Because even though I felt happy and felt content at the time there was a huge hole that I was afraid of losing my family"
okay. Okay. I see the logic. The Mormons love family, they promote family foreverness, they sell a heaven where you're eternally surrounded by the people you love. Those are all good things. I also understand that they don't want to ostracize their gay members, that loving one another is a good thing but they are still doing it wrong. Driving into it's followers that you will be alone, you will not have your family, you will belong with Hitler and Co. if you do not control your natural man, it's emotional terrorism. I literally laughed allowed at poor Kelly's tears, not because it's funny that he loves his family, but that it's funny that the Church thinks that the fact that this poor man was so scared to lose his family that he is now trying to pretend to be someone he is not is a good thing.
The best/worst line is "even though I felt happy and felt content at the time... I was afraid of losing my family." That really sums it up. Happiness is not valued here, lest it be eternal happiness with your family that comes after death and only as long as you're all following all the rules.
Of course this was only really about gay members of the Church for a few minutes. I almost immediately turned it back to me, filtering all the information back through how it applied to my life, and my faith. I personally would and have chosen my family in ever instance that a choice between them and anything else has presented itself. I often wonder if everyone has the same blind love, and sense of responsibility that I do towards their family. "They're family:" is the the only reason I've ever needed to justify doing any unreasonable thing, or following any illogical command. It's always been enough. Where love hasn't, where happiness hasn't; family has been enough. Part of this is clearly that my identity has been tied to them my whole life. Without my family, I have no purpose, no place, no rights. They have to love me and they have to deal with my weird because they made my weird. I guess why I'm thinking about this now is because I'm slowly figuring out who I am without them. Who I am in spite of them. Even who I am not in spite of them. The further my identity spreads the less I have been able to justify anything because of a "fear of losing my family." I've already lost some, and not a small amount of them, because of choices I've made independently. and that has to be okay. It's a long process but I hope that when I get to "feel happy and feel content" I will have filled the hole that fear leaves with hope and the truth that if they're family they won't be lost. Whether the Church agrees is entirely besides the point. Even if I do end up in the heaven with Hitler in it without my family, they're still allowed to visit and that's the way I'd prefer it anyways.
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