No topic.

I"m not sure I have a point but I feel like talking a lot soo...

 I"m uncomfortable about something going on in my life but I can't decide what it is. I't's just making me feel restless, dissatisfied, and lacking. Something about me? I know, I am unhappy with my life. I need to get away. What have you. But I've tried that. The problem is I take me wherever I go.

It's faith. In what? God? Spirituality? Being "good?" It's not wanting to be responsible for other people's doubts, and not wanting to participate in any forum that admits that I just don't know. I just don't know. I don't know and I doubt every. thing. Which is okay, I've said that before. It's okay not to know. But I used to know. I never doubted. I had faith. and it defined a me. It's hard to let go of something that helped me be me for so long. But I've let go enough to know I have to decide. If I don't I'll fall off one way or the other. but what if that's not it?

I's love. It's being in love with the wrong people. Trying to replace them with wronger people. Substitute wrong people. Then substituting those people. Then not even pretending I love any people. It's being so alone in my own self doubt that I don't know if I understand what it is to care about it. It being you, him, her, anyone. I care, but only about the people who need me. If they don't need me then they're just people to react to. Can you get to a place where you just don't connect to anyone. Where you live in your head so long that you can't imagine that anyone else can see you anymore? I don't feel like a person, so I don't act like one. This is too vague, it might not be this.

It's only crying when other people are feeling real emotions. A boy reads a poem with his hidden pain and I'm sitting there crying and wondering why. Why am I crying right now? I don't even know what this poem is about. I'm probably crazy. Then he explains that it was about his friends death, and he starts crying so I understand that. It's staring at a woman who publishes books by authors, poets, artists, who are trying to capture something  and suddenly tearing up with anxiety. Like I can feel that she knows, and her author knows they aren't accomplishing anything. None of that is real though.

eh whatever I feel better now. Still don't know what it is though.

Mormons and Gays and me...

It's late and I am not trying to sleep yet so..

I was browsing the internet so aimlessly that I stumbled upon a website about how the internet is shit and even found myself spending some time in the personal ads of craigslist (a wonderful place to get some real insight, really.) and I remembered that the Mormons had a new website MormonsandGays.org. I've heard about this website, but I've been reluctant to look at it because I've been very worried that they, they = the Mormons, would put something just horribly wrong on there and that I would be forced to take yet another crippling blow to my already crumbly faith. Alas, this fear was not entirely unwarranted. I read the first few blurbs about how the attraction is not the sin, but the act is. This is a Church truth I've known and basically accepted, like it's okay to sex but it's not okay to premarital sex, okay whatever, the Church has old people rules. I skipped over all the clearly not gay videos of Church leaders, and people who clearly are working with PR to put a young liberal face on being Mormon. I clicked the first video that appeared to be a gay member of the church, as that is what I was most interested in. How is he dealing with it the LDS Gay duality? What I hear is Mr./Brother Kelly immediately start crying about his fear of losing his family.

"Family is very important to me. That was one of the things that helped get me to come back to the Church. You know, I couldn’t imagine living an eternity without my mom and dad. And so I knew I needed to change and do something different. Because even though I felt happy and felt content at the time there was a huge hole that I was afraid of losing my family" 

okay. Okay. I see the logic. The Mormons love family, they promote family foreverness, they sell a heaven where you're eternally surrounded by the people you love. Those are all good things. I also understand that they don't want to ostracize their gay members, that loving one another is a good thing but they are still doing it wrong. Driving into it's followers that you will be alone, you will not have your family, you will belong with Hitler and Co. if you do not control your natural man, it's emotional terrorism. I literally laughed allowed at poor Kelly's tears, not because it's funny that he loves his family, but that it's funny that the Church thinks that the fact that this poor man was so scared to lose his family that he is now trying to pretend to be someone he is not is a good thing.

The best/worst line is "even though I felt happy and felt content at the time... I was afraid of losing my family." That really sums it up. Happiness is not valued here, lest it be eternal happiness with your family that comes after death and only as long as you're all following all the rules.

Of course this was only really about gay members of the Church for a few minutes. I almost immediately turned it back to me, filtering all the information back through how it applied to my life, and my faith. I personally would and have chosen my family in ever instance that a choice between them and anything else has presented itself. I often wonder if everyone has the same blind love, and sense of responsibility that I do towards their family. "They're family:" is the the only reason I've ever needed to justify doing any unreasonable thing, or following any illogical command. It's always been enough. Where love hasn't, where happiness hasn't; family has been enough. Part of this is clearly that my identity has been tied to them my whole life. Without my family, I have no purpose, no place, no rights. They have to love me and they have to deal with my weird because they made my weird. I guess why I'm thinking about this now is because I'm slowly figuring out who I am without them. Who I am in spite of them. Even who I am not in spite of them. The further my identity spreads the less I have been able to justify anything because of a "fear of losing my family." I've already lost some, and not a small amount of them, because of choices I've made independently. and that has to be okay. It's a long process but I hope that when I get to "feel happy and feel content" I will have filled the hole that fear leaves with hope and the truth that if they're family they won't be lost. Whether the Church agrees is entirely besides the point. Even if I do end up in the heaven with Hitler in it without my family, they're still allowed to visit and that's the way I'd prefer it anyways.

Probably I'm dammed.

dear god,

I am blessed because there is no bubblegum rum.

I am blessed because today I didn't starve to death on my way to get water in my waterbottle shoes.

I am blessed because nobody I know has died of cancer, or is dying of cancer and even if they are they haven't told me about it so I'm not currently sad about it.

I am blessed because I was not born into a life of crime, and my life is hardly ever in the hands of angry drug lords, or mafia, or other criminal affiliations.

I am blessed because I am not dying of anything more than life.

I am blessed because my sexual orientation is not one that will get me kicked out of my family or publicly attacked, and even when it is I can blame liquor cause I'm a girl.

I am blessed because I am literate.

I am blessed because I"m not really that bad to look at when I've showered, and like pinched my cheeks or whatever.

I am blessed because I have so much going for me that I can spend all of my efforts feeding my self loathing and mental depression allowing it to grow and fester in a habitat that only a life of health, America, and the middle class can provide.

I am blessed because I have this simple phrase "I am blessed" to remind me that not everyone in the world has two ears, or a straight spine, or unwebbed fingers, or an uncle who doesn't molest them, or parents that don't put them in the middle of ugly divorces, or healthy siblings, living siblings, happy people to look at every day, change to give to the city homeless, faucets with pipes and hot water, carpets, tumor free lungs, etc.

I am so blessed because I can blog out my brain damage and feed it to the internet.

I am blessed because I sew.

I sew blessed.

ha
EDIT: I do now know someone who "might be dying of cancer." But I'm still blessed because I'm not actually sad about it. Or maybe I'm dammed. Yeah probably I'm dammed.

Some things.

My heart is sad and happy and broken and healing and in pain and joyful and other confusing tugging emotions.

Remind me what I believe in because I need it.

I think to myself  "I'm still feeling my first real heartache. you want me to try that again?" and I laugh out loud.

I am so strong and so ridiculous.

No that wasn't me that walked the other way. I mean yes it was. but I won't do that again. Okay I probably will.

Where do I get help to find help?

Am I too forgiving? Or too passive? Or too angry? Or too mean? Or too nice?


I hope that I get to keep this...part. This feeling.

 I feel weirdly distant from my life. Today I was driving to work and I realized that I didn't have my key to get into work so instead of turning around to get my key I went straight to the movie theatre and watched the first thing that was playing next. Which happened to be some spoof on Paranormal Activity. Then instead of going home or going anywhere I drove around until I ended up at Wallmart and I looked at all the movies, and over 50% of the romance/apology and birthday cards. I'm recording this because I don't know why I did it. I didn't plan it, I didn't decide it was a better idea than going to work. I guess I just didn't want to go to work. So I did anything but work. Metaphor? Life lesson? Personal revelation? I dunno.

It being everything.

No it's cool brain we can dream that and totally not forget about it and obsess over it all day long with out really noticing until it's 4:13 am and now I realize I've been thinking about it all day and talking to myself in the back of my head even having a conversation with my brain about how fucked up it is that I talk to my brain when I have much better things to be doing like watching movies and having dinner bought for me and silly "geography certificate receiver" waiter's giving me their numbers while I'm totally spacing out thinking didn't I delete all this shit we're going over right now, isn't this a repeat, sure Jake the Waiter write your number down I'd call you but you probably noticed me meanly making fun of you when you tried to impress us with that "sports joke" o my god I can't stop thinking about it but it's totally cool brain. Totally. Cool.